{"id":29482,"date":"2025-04-02T09:55:01","date_gmt":"2025-04-02T13:55:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/freethepeople.org\/?p=29482"},"modified":"2025-03-28T21:38:12","modified_gmt":"2025-03-29T01:38:12","slug":"hey-maga-heres-what-a-real-man-looks-like","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/freethepeople.org\/hey-maga-heres-what-a-real-man-looks-like\/","title":{"rendered":"Hey MAGA\u2014Here’s What a Real Man Looks Like!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Are you sick of your stuck-up father always riding you to mow the lawn, take out the trash, and do your \u201cdamn\u201d homework? Tired of having your Nintendo controller stripped out of your busy hands just because your overbearing pop wants you to hold a flashlight steady for two straight minutes over the seething innards of his car? Are you even at your wit\u2019s end that every Saturday morning, your sleep-deprived papito<\/em> kicks in your bedroom door before the cock crow to rustle you up for yard chores?<\/p>\n

Well, trouble yourself no longer with that inner filial impulse. There\u2019s a new dad in town, and in your house, who\u2019s mad at the right<\/em> outrages, not your sad, layabout tush. Introducing: Minnesota Governor and failed vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz! So make like a Radcliffe freshman and disown your own patriarch so that you can adopt a more solicitous daddy in touch with your<\/em> needs. Because if those aren\u2019t being met, your life is unfulfilled, empty, and meaningless!<\/p>\n

But first, an additional word from our sponsor: You know and love our producer so much that you begrudgingly drag your keister to the polling booth every November, and occasionally in the flowering spring, to check the box next to their endorsed candidate. That\u2019s right, the lovably morose, uppity moralistic, swivelingly daemonic DEMOCRATS\u2122<\/strong>. The party you love to hate because, what are you going to do? Vote for red-throated Hitlerism? Or opt for third party, snatching less than 2% of the vote? We know you aren\u2019t that lunkheaded.<\/p>\n

Back to our main pitch. (Always be selling—especially to shush those dunning vendors<\/a>!) Governor Walz, despite being bested by a felonious dotard whose deficient attention span saved his cranium from a bullet bisection, is back in the arena. He picked himself up from his negligible loss, as any brawny brawler must. Don\u2019t be mistaken: The last election was just another round in the royal rumble for our country. The final bell hasn\u2019t wrung. We\u2019re in this fight, and we\u2019ll go on swinging if we must—to a man, woman, or non-sex-identifying homo sapiens! (And those special hearts who don\u2019t consider themselves part of the humankind genus.)<\/p>\n

Governor Walz knows the score—call it his macho intuition. But not the creepy macho intuition that juices the perverse lusts of ugly sexpests. There\u2019s not a hint of toxic masculinity within the governor\u2019s safe, stocky body. Like your favorite sequined Stanley tumbler and bisphenol A, Walz is toxic masculinity-free!<\/p>\n

And he\u2019s not waiting another three-to-four years to bare-knuckle box whatever goose-stepping stooge the Republicans stand up. His fists are raring to piston punch, even if they fling effetely like an akathisic air-man. The mighty Minnesotan is galloping on his ethically raised steed right to where fascism festers freely: ruby-red states.<\/p>\n

The governor is confidently tromping to locales Trump won—in an overland manner you can be sure is carbon-free, environmentally conscious, and respectful to Indigenous populations—to give Americans exactly what they want. Tough talk, pointed criticism, workshopped zingers, ad hominem slander, and the rare extemporaneous insult that will be walked back after careful consultation with professional sophists—this is the \u201cTim Walz Townhall Tour\u201d! (Patent-pending<\/strong>. Any unauthorized use of \u201cTim Walz Townhall Tour\u201d without the express permission of the Democratic National Committee is strictly prohibited and could result in a lawsuit where any liable damages are paid to stiffed Harris 2024 vendors.)<\/p>\n

Every attendee to the Tim Walz Townhall Tour is guaranteed a fistful of blue righteousness, an urgent reminder that our democracy is under assault, and homespun, hardball wisdom from a man in touch with his feminine side. That\u2019s what makes Walz so different from those alopecic MAGA monkeys, who hoot and bray before their orange orangutan god in stale, dilapidated stadiums.<\/p>\n

The pugnacious governor is already tickling the hot aggression we respectful liberals suppress in our amygdala. He\u2019s taunting<\/a> tough-talking Republicans, declaring \u201cI can kick most of their ass.\u201d (Sic<\/em>.—grammatically and musculaturely.) He\u2019s gallantly defending<\/a> our honorable bureaucrat class, who staff such beloved agencies as the DMV and IRS He\u2019s decrying the devolution of political messaging, tearing Republicans a new one<\/a> over their lazy tag coining. And he\u2019s even sacrificially dancing on the Tesla stock grave<\/a> despite his own pension fund sliding southward.<\/p>\n

Unlike your father, who tells you to toughen up after every fall, Gov. Walz knows that losing last November just wasn\u2019t fair<\/em>. Whining about past failures, nursing grievances, putting on a pity party, is what \u201creal\u201d men do. And Tim Walz is here to kiss our owies while dropping the hammer on the racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic GOP. He\u2019s locked, loaded, and unafraid to spray tongue bullets at the nasty Republicans as they try balancing the federal balance sheet. (Everyone knows fiscal responsibility is a dog-whistle for white supremacy<\/a>.) Plus, he can even load a shotgun—kind of<\/a><\/em>!<\/p>\n

Is it any wonder the simping simpletons in the GOP are tearing their hair plugs out over Walz? They know the former pigskin coach can pick off young men from Trump\u2019s poisonous allure. He can even \u201crun a mean pick six<\/a>\u201d on the mookish MAGAites<\/p>\n

So move over, angry dad<\/a>. We\u2019ve got no time for your nativist politics. The country cries out for rumpled, peeved, play-at-being-pissed secondary-football-coach dad<\/em>!<\/p>\n

Coming to a middle-school auditorium near you<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tim Waltz is confidently tromping to locales Trump won\u2014in an overland manner you can be sure is carbon-free, environmentally conscious, and respectful to Indigenous populations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":80,"featured_media":29484,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[274],"tags":[316,738,691,3930],"content-type":[3493],"coauthors":[1279],"class_list":["post-29482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-article","tag-democrats","tag-politics","tag-satire","tag-tim-walz","content-type-article"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHey MAGA\u2014Here's What a Real Man Looks Like!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Tim Waltz is confidently tromping to locales Trump won\u2014in an overland manner you can be sure is carbon-free, environmentally conscious, and respectful to Indigenous populations.\" 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